Whales, sardines and the difference between day and night (on struggling to sleep)
My first flat was opposite the Wellington Botanical Gardens. A short walk (87 stairs) and a skip across the road and I was inside the gate. First steps out of home are exciting, nervous, filled with uncertainty and the thrill of making all of your own choices.
I started my working life in a managerial training role of a department store. Early in my training 7 Habits of Highly Effective People was thrust into my hands. Eager to learn (and impress) I took the book quite seriously. I fondly remember the time spent in the sun at the gardens making my way through it, pen and notebook in hand.
Surprisingly, the book was more than helpful for succeeding (and impressing!) at work. It was the start of my growing up in regard to mood and emotional regulation. It was the first time I encountered the basic truth that whether I became a victim of my circumstances or not wasn’t predetermined. It hinged on my response to what happened to me, not on the events or circumstances themselves.
The ‘response-ability’ concept made an enormous difference in my life. I could choose my response to my circumstances, and that choice actually determined the quality of my life.
The common struggle with sleep
As someone who had enough struggle with sleep to be diagnosed at one stage with moderate insomnia, I have great sympathy for those who find themselves unwantedly awake in the night. Highly Sensitive People* experience a much more active night due to their greater sensitivity to light, noise and movement. Poor sleep makes the day harder, the morning mind groggy; it lowers physical capacity, and brings on a cascade of other difficulties.
Though there are a myriad of reasons causing people to sleep poorly (despite every mattress company saying it’s the bed) one common reason is overthinking, or perhaps a better description: unwanted thinking. Many lie awake as their thoughts dance through the night, landing on the things they said, the things others said; perhaps dwelling on fears or worries. With enough practice the adrenal gland can join in the fray, becoming more sensitive and ready to supply adrenaline into the system thereby making certain and extending our unwanted wakefulness.
Reassuring ourselves when issues become outsized in the night
What can we do to reassure our minds that everything is actually OK? How can we close down our middle of the night inquiry?
Here are some insights and reassurances that have been greatly valuable for me:
Downgrade poor sleep
Tell yourself: A poor sleep is not as crucial as it feels. I can and do make it through the day. I needn’t anticipate feelings of dread or failure. Yes, unwanted wakefulness is frustrating but I can learn to say “so what” to a bad sleep. Rather than stewing on how each wakeful minute is going to make the day exponentially harder.
Stop entertaining the issue
Tell yourself: I will abandon any engagement with or ‘solving’ of this issue now. The best thing I can do toward overcoming it is to leave any thinking about it until the morning. This ‘solving’ feels like it’s keeping me safe but it’s actually contributing to my unwanted wakefulness.
The whale of doom in the night will become sardines on toast in the morning**
Tell yourself: This issue feels enormous right now but the truth is that my mind has blown it outside of all reasonable proportion. It feels the size of a whale when it is actually the size of a sardine. I know from experience that I will see this issue very differently in the morning so the best thing I can do is leave any thought of it until the morning.
Overthinking is first and foremost a habit
Ask yourself: Am I going over the same information again without getting any new insights? If yes, then I am overthinking and I can choose to stop now. If I am not gaining any new insights then I am thinking in a loop, and looped thinking doesn’t get me anywhere.
Relax and wait patiently
Tell yourself: Windows for going to sleep come in cycles around half hourly. I can wait patiently for the next ‘sleep train’ to come into the station.
With practice, patience and determination old habits of thinking can be unlearned. By choosing a new response to our circumstances we take a new course, and create the opportunity for a different, positive outcome.
* https://hsperson.com/
**The inspiration for this title and an excellent description of this thinking dynamic is this cartoon by Michael Leunig: https://artblart.com/2008/11/13/cartoon-michael-leunig-the-3-am-wake-up-2008/
If this has brought to mind anything that you would like to talk through or have help with please get in touch. Either choose a time or send an email via the contact form.
Sources of ideas and stories are acknowledged when used significantly unchanged. Underlying mental health concepts are from the Living Wisdom approach to Pastoral Counselling.