The dam of denial will eventually burst
I’ve spent much of my adult life around young people. I have worked as a youth pastor, parachurch ministry worker and in the community as a volunteer. There is so much raw power to youth, the full-world optimism, the idealism, the bulletproof attitude. Young people can face down terrifically long odds and see themselves as the exception that is going to make it. They can look at a highly competitive career choice where 97% of people who start don’t make it and say “so you’re saying that 3% do, that’s me - I can thread that needle!”
We all imagine we are invulnerable to consequences
It’s not just young people though. We can all imagine that we are invulnerable to consequences. Whether we believe that we are outside the norm and the exception to the rule, or we will go unaffected by behaviours and habits that we have seen sabotage the peace and contentment of others. Invulnerability or wide-eyed optimism is a beautiful, even necessary trait in the young. Such denial of reality is not such a beautiful quality as people get older.
Our denial may look like the belief that we can take the first few steps down the slippery slope, because we trust ourselves and we’ve really thought through what we are doing. Or it could just be the belief that because nothing seems to have happened so far, it will always be “consequences for thee but not for me”.
Or it could be as simple as pretending that just hoping really hard for our circumstances will change, will change our circumstances.
Rationalising leads to denial
A common trope in heist movies is the “one last big job”, where the protagonist says ‘yes’ one last time in the belief that this job will finally clear their debt, or make their fortune, or bring them the freedom they desire. This in-the-moment rationalising is denial in full bloom, especially when the track record tells a different story.
In the aftermath of doing what we know doesn’t serve us our bodies pulse with regret, and shame races in our blood. Under such aftermath we are utterly convinced that we are never ‘going there’ again. But in the days and weeks that follow we tend to forget the regret, the pain we cause, the sabotage we make to ourselves, and remember only the momentary high, the thrill of adrenaline and anticipation. The dam stands (for now) and another episode is heaped behind it.
While the mind has a large capacity for unreality, the dam of denial will eventually burst. For some this means experiencing the consequences of years of behaviour all at once, causing the mind acute distress, a true crisis.
Even if the dam of denial does not burst, the truth is we cannot actually cheat ourselves. Our concept of ourselves either includes or excludes certain ways of living, includes or excludes certain behaviours and attitudes. This self-concept can’t be cheated because even if no one else knows deep down we still do.
Invitations to reflection
Here are some questions to reflect on in some common areas:
Finances:
Most of us live with the working belief that we are pre-rich (i.e. heading toward inevitable material success) but do my spending habits show that I may actually be pre-poor?
Am I really able to sustain this kind of lifestyle given my other goals and priorities?
Is the rate I am paying off this debt ever going to move it?
Compulsive behaviour:
Can I really still stop and leave this behind anytime I want?
Am I really going to be able to stop this when I get married? Have children?
Health:
Will this nagging pain really go away by itself?
Am I really doing enough outside of work to account for all the time that I spend sitting?
Is the number of calories I consume still in sync with my stage of life and metabolism?
Am I still taking the drinks, or are the drinks now taking me?
Time:
Is this really just a stage to work hard to get through, or have I forgotten the small people in my home who will cherish the memories I make with them over the money I make for them?
Will I always find the door open to my spouse's world when I’ve finally earned enough? Or will I find that the door has been locked? Or indeed opened to someone else?
It can be hard to face up to denial, and it may mean getting help
To face up to the areas you may be in denial is a hard thing. It requires humbling yourself before others and it may mean getting help from someone who knows a better way. Ultimately it requires turning around and becoming completely disloyal to the misbeliefs that allowed you to live in an unsustainable way.
Post script: This post is written to encourage those who realise they need to change course, or even to bring about that realisation. Obviously some people live in denial so thorough they are not even aware of it, and will cling stubbornly and fight tooth and nail for their unreality. Addressing that kind of challenge is a totally different prospect from the one attempted above.
If this has brought to mind anything that you would like to talk through or have help with please get in touch. Either choose a time or send an email via the contact form.
Sources of ideas and stories are acknowledged when used significantly unchanged. Underlying mental health concepts are from the Living Wisdom approach to Pastoral Counselling.