Advice to high-school sweethearts (thoughts on the foundation of a marriage)
Sitting with people who have reached a point in their relationship where they have reached out for help, there is one dynamic almost always at play. Whatever the actual circumstances of their present trouble, be they long standing or stemming from a one-off event, a common question is present: What was I thinking when I married this person?
“We were so young”, “we were so naive”. “We were ill suited”. “I did it to get back at my mum, get back at my dad”. “I did it to please my mum, please my dad”. “I hadn’t travelled”, “I hadn’t seen the world”.
Under the pressure of our present trouble, we reconsider our choices and consider our younger selves fools. These reasons can flood in and overwhelm us, washing away at and undermining what appear to be the foundations of our relationship.
Decisions are made looking forward into uncertainty
Human beings are storied creatures*. We have an innate capacity to look back at the past and draw a clear path, linking the events of our lives with the ‘reasons’ for the events and why they happened. In doing so we unconsciously gloss over details or fill in gaps. We stitch together a neat and tidy story with potent power for explaining how we have found ourselves in the place or predicament we are in.
Without taking care to deliberately remind ourselves, we easily forget that all decisions are made looking forward into a completely uncertain future. We decide in the moment. Yes, in light of the best information possible at the time, but without any guaranteed outcome. At a point of crisis this Hindsight Bias** can derail us.
It is so tempting to re-examine decisions made in the naivety of youth and pronounce freedom from our decisions based on what we know now. Perhaps when we have seen the shadow side of what we once called charming, or when our high expectations have not matched our experience.
When your spouse has gone from being strong and sure of themselves to someone who doesn’t open up or share, or when the charming, charismatic talker has gone from exciting to too free in sharing themselves with others, and is always out of the house.
So what is the foundation of a marriage? Is it really as fragile as the precarious circumstances of its forming? Is it really the decision made in the verve of youth? Are the choices made in the heights of thrall really the foundation of a marriage?
The true foundation of a marriage
The foundation of a marriage is the choice that we make each day. The small kindness, the little effort to be helpful, the gentle affectionate touch, the encouragement, and the effort to enter the other's world. The commitment and practice of treating the person each day with care and respect, choosing them not once but each day, throughout the day.
“If only I’d known then what I know now” is the cry of every thoughtful person after all because time is holy, and all decisions cannot be completely walked back. But the insight and understanding that comes with maturity can be the material and motivation to never live that way again. New insights can lead us to new enthusiasm, new hope and new confidence to walk together into a still uncertain future.
Post Script: Two thoughts to help you doubt your doubts
First, remember there is a contingent beauty in the circumstances of meeting the wife or the husband of your youth. That you met at this time, at this moment of your youth amongst all of the other possibilities is a beautiful thing, and to be esteemed and enjoyed***. Without the fullness of optimism, the wide-expanse-horizon-view that obstacles will be stared down, barriers will be overcome and battles will be won, would we ever marry? Would we ever take the risk?
Second, what about those who did tell you so? What about those who did see ahead better than us and describe the circumstances we now find ourselves in? Before we let this tyrannise, let's check if hindsight bias is sneaking in again in another form. People offer a range of opinions and views all the time, some may support our choices, others warn against them. We tend to forget and dismiss all of the opinions offered which run counter to the way things have turned out. Our storied nature screening out the inputs which don’t fit our current narrative. So yes, they may have told us so, but what matters is how we respond now.
*This concept saturates all of James K.A. Smith’s work and all my inspiration on this idea comes from his writing. A good place to start for the interested is his book You Are What You Love.
**There is plenty of great work on Hindsight Bias in lots of different domains, Fooled by Randomness by Nassim Nicholas Taleb is an excellent example.
***You Are Not Your Own, Alan Nobel.
If this has brought to mind anything that you would like to talk through or have help with please get in touch. Either choose a time or send an email via the contact form.
Sources of ideas and stories are acknowledged when used significantly unchanged. Underlying mental health concepts are from the Living Wisdom approach to Pastoral Counselling.