Adventure > Safety
“You are not to spend all your time in the smooth waters just inside the harbour bar, full of delight, but always moored; you have to get out through the harbour bar into the great deeps of God…” - Oswald Chambers.
I have always been inspired by the adventures of others but I haven’t always had the courage to take them myself. Growing up a sensitive kid (who hadn’t learned to celebrate that aspect of my make up yet) I shied away from time with others, and opportunities that were outside of my (rather restricting) comfort zone. I didn’t believe that I had what it took, and when I considered the ways that things could go wrong I saw the consequences of ‘not making it’ as failure, and failure as much too crucial.
But is failure really fatal? Is trying and failing really so dangerous that it’s better not to avoid risk and stay in the comfort of where we are?
Edwin Friedman in his leadership classic A Failure of Nerve repeatedly asserts that our priority must be for adventure over safety. Not recklessness, or risk for risk's sake, but in our chronically anxious culture* we must deliberately embrace adventure if we are to grow.
Adventure is an attitude or priority and its outworking will be different for everyone. Depending on personality or life stage, adventure may relate to literal travel and exploration, starting a small business, or taking the steps to join a new friendship group. It is an attitude which allows us to step outside of our surrounding emotional climate and take the steps needed to achieve our vision for our life.
We must understand three fallacies that can keep us harbour bound: Data, empathy and self
According to Friedman we must understand three key, deeply embedded fallacies if we are to break free from the environment that holds us fast to the harbour pier.
The fallacy of data
The fallacy of empathy
The fallacy of self
While this format isn’t able to do justice to the depth and breath of Friedman’s work, it is an invitation to three short considerations that can help prioritise adventure over safety.
The fallacy of data says: “If I just knew enough then I’d be ready to take a choice or make a decision”
This belief keeps us harbour bound because we simply cannot ever cover the breadth and scope of all of the information available in our technological age. Data is a pathology because it cannot set limits on itself; there is only ever more and more information.
In the pressure to keep up we are easily seduced by the new. Fear of not keeping up or not being in the know can keep us forever searching for the comfort of certainty before we take a step. Heading toward the ‘safety’ of reading another article, or extending our degree, or delaying action until we are sure we are ready.
The sheer amount of data available also makes us susceptible to the promise of shortcuts. The miracle cure, the results-without-effort programme, the get rich quick scheme, the new reductionist, flattening take that invites us to boil everything down to a new ‘one thing’.
The empowering question to those trapped in the fallacy of data is: When will I have enough information to move forward and make a decision?
The fallacy of empathy says: “If I just feel enough for or understand another enough then I will motivate them to change”
This belief keeps us harbour bound because when we take responsibility for others feelings we are unable to take action that could disappoint another. By confusing safety with peace, we can become bound to stay within the range of actions which do not ruffle the feathers of those we are in relationship with.
If those around us are immature and are not able to take responsibility for their own mood - or indeed expect us to take responsibility for it - then any step toward adventure which disturbs them will cause them to protest. If we are bound by the fallacy of empathy, our time taken to understand another's feelings and perspective can make them feel better, but cannot bring about their change, or enable us to take steps to change ourselves.
The empowering question here is: Can I afford to stay in this environment as it is now? Or is necessary change essential for our long term benefit?
The fallacy of self says: “self-differentiation is a pathology”
Admittedly, this is a little trickier to make concise, after all we have a lot of language around the word self (selfish, self-made, self-esteem etc.). But this belief keeps us harbour bound when are unable to do other than what the group says, our peers say, or what the culture we live in says.
So long as we are beholden to the group (especially the group which is held fast by the fallacies of data and empathy) we will not and cannot self-differentiate enough to take the action needed to achieve growth and development.
An empowering question to ask yourself might be: Do I need to give myself permission to disappoint people, even people I admire and look up to in my life?
In July 2009, in the middle of my degree I went on my first real adventure. Six months away on an exchange programme to Georgia Institute of Technology in Atlanta, USA. I was filled with excitement and trepidation. It was a special time of making deep friendships with people of the same age and in the same across-the-world situation. Amidst this new environment it was a friend who held their nerve against one of my self-sabotaging behaviours that brought about deeply meaningful growth in my life. Rather than collude with me in my behaviour like some others on exchange, they point blank refused to be around me when I was acting out.
Because they held their nerve against my immaturity, I was forced to choose which I wanted more - my old ways, or their friendship? The decision, once I realised it, was easy and I'm forever grateful that they loved me enough to stay close to me, while also holding me to a high standard.
*To Friedman a chronically anxious culture is typified by reactivity, herding, blaming, a quick-fix mentality and a lack of leadership. He contrasts these against the natural principles of self-regulation, adaptation to strength, the response to challenge, and allowing time for processes to mature.
Friedman, E. H., Treadwell, M. M., & Beal, E. W. (2017). A failure of nerve : leadership in the age of the quick fix. Church Publishing.
If this has brought to mind anything that you would like to talk through or have help with please get in touch. Either choose a time or send an email via the contact form.
Sources of ideas and stories are acknowledged when used significantly unchanged. Underlying mental health concepts are from the Living Wisdom approach to Pastoral Counselling.